Not even a week after my insemination I woke up in the middle of the night not feeling well. I felt nauseous and had a bad headache. I got scared. I didn’t want to be sick. Not at this point. It was a crucial time. But, there was nothing I could do. I WAS SICK! I spent the entire night throwing up. By morning I knew I was getting dehydrated. I called the doctor at the infertility clinic to find out what I could do. I didn’t want to do anything to harm the possible pregnancy. My infertility doctor called me right back. He was so incredibly nice and was concerned for me. He told me it was not the insemination that was making me sick. I just had the flu. He also said he needed to give me some phenergan to get the nausea under control. And since I couldn’t hold anything down he called into my pharmacy some phenergan suppositories. I kept asking him if that would interfere with me getting pregnant. He was so nice and encouraging with me on the phone. Folks, it really was the first time he was. Meanwhile, I knew he couldn’t promise me anything. First and foremost he wanted to get me to stop throwing up and hydrated again.
During the time I was waiting for Carol to pick up the prescription from the pharmacy my sister called. The way I had answered the phone she knew something was wrong. After I said hello she immediately said, “MaLea, what’s wrong?” Folks I was so scared. I wanted the insemination to work. I didn’t want to have to go back to that infertility clinic again. AND the fact we had no more vials of the same donor as Judah, I felt this was our last chance to have totally related siblings. Well, so, when my sister asked me that question, she got more than she bargained for I’m sure when I answered her. I don’t think she knew we were going for baby number two so I’m sure it took her by surprise. Regardless, she was supportive. She told me to just get better first. She was familiar with how I could panic so she said all of the right things to make me calm down.
It took a good two days before I started to feel better. By that point I had one more week to go to find out if we were pregnant. Of course it was so hard to wait another week before taking a pregnancy test. Me getting sick weighed heavily on my mind. Could it have ruined our chances to have another child? UGH! I just wanted to have the answer. However, I had no choice but to wait. It was out of my hands. On the morning of the fourteenth day I woke up early to take the pregnancy test. While pacing the bathroom floor I waited the correct amount of time before looking at the stick. When the time was up I was nervous to even look, but of course I did. I could see a faint smiling face. Well, what did that mean? Was I pregnant? I had always been told you can’t be “half pregnant” but that seemed to be what the stick was telling me. I called Carol into the bathroom. Yea, the poor woman was asleep and I woke her up AGAIN. It took her a minute to get her eyes acclimated to the light and then she took a look. She too saw the faint smiling face but didn’t know what that meant either. Meanwhile, I wanted her to know. I wanted her to be able to say confidently,”Oh, it just means your pregnant.” But she couldn’t do that. She encouraged me to contact the clinic to ask the nurse.
Folks as I was making that call, I could feel my hands shaking. I had expected to call and then have to wait for a call me back from the nurse. However, the nurse answered right away. And so I asked her what a faint smiling face meant. She told me it could mean I was pregnant. She explained that if the egg had just implanted it may take another 12 hours before the smiling face could darken. She also said that some women only get a faint reading and they are definitely pregnant. OK, now what was the deal here? When I got a dark smiling face (when I was pregnant with Judah) they told me I probably wasn’t. And now that I get a faint one, they seem more certain I am? My heart started racing. Of course I wanted to believe her. She encouraged me to take the test the next day in the afternoon, call her and then we’d go from there. UGH! I hated this. It was such a difficult waiting game. Why did I have to wait? My controlling personality didn’t do well with it but I had no other choice.
The next day I took the pregnancy test at least 3 times. I was annoying Carol to death! All of those times there was still a faint smiling face but a smiling face none the less. I called the nurse to tell her the results. She told me to go to a local lab where they would take my blood. They would then send the results to the infertility clinic. I hated that I couldn’t get my blood drawn from the women who had told me I was pregnant with Judah. Plus, I knew by going to the lab I’d have to wait to hear from the nurse which could be a day later. It was all SO annoying but what could I do? I went to the lab as quickly as I could so that I’d get a response by the next day. The next day I waited with baited breath for the nurse to call. By 5:00 in the afternoon when I hadn’t heard from her I just knew it wasn’t good news. OY! What was wrong? I just wanted to know one way or the other. Listen, I knew I wasn’t the only patient but dammit the kind of money these people made, you would have thought they’d have the staff to take care of these kinds of things. But no. They had only one nurse to do it all.
Around 6 that evening my cell phone rang. My heart stopped. I was SO nervous when I answered my phone and heard the nurse tell me it was her. She told me that I was indeed pregnant BUT my HCG levels were lower than they wanted them to be. NOW, let me explain. I knew at that point that it was OK to have the HCG levels a little high like they were with Judah. BUT, you did not want them to be low. The nurse explained to me (as she had done on the phone the first time I called her) that the egg could have just embedded. If so then the numbers will double each day. She told me to go back to the lab the next morning and hopefully my numbers would have doubled. And so, I returned to the lab the next day and then I waited for the nurse to call to tell me the results.
That next day while I waited for the nurse to call, I had lots of errands to run. One of them was to take a friend of our’s daughter to work that afternoon. It was nice to keep busy even though my mind was always thinking and hoping. Around 5 in the afternoon that day as I was driving my friend’s daughter to work I got a call from the nurse. I was more nervous than ever. When I answered the phone and after the nurse introduced herself she said, “MaLea, I am so sorry but your numbers are going down.” I wanted her to be wrong. I asked her what that meant knowing fully what it meant. The nurse said, “We can’t be sure as to why. Possibly the egg embedded but for whatever reason just wasn’t viable enough to stay. In the next few days you will have some hard cramping and bleeding and your pregnancy will be terminated.” I couldn’t talk. I was devastated. As soon as I hung up with the nurse I called Carol at work to tell her. She was as equally devastated. She just kept telling me, “I am so sorry, babe. I’m so sorry.” My friend’s daughter cancelled work to come home with me to help with Judah. I can’t even begin to say how much I appreciated her help that day.
Carol came home early from work. As soon as I saw her pull into our driveway, I ran outside to meet her. We embraced and both cried and cried and cried.