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Monthly Archives: November 2015

I am a Living Sitcom!

Wooden-TVOK, so, it is no secret (to those who know me) that I have a problem when it comes to doing tasks and chores around the house. And by “problem” I don’t mean that I am not motivated or that I don’t want to finish a project. I simply mean I have a  great, great tendency to break things. I can’t explain why nor do I understand how it happens. It just does. And sadly, I have too many examples to prove it.

This past summer while I tried to start our lawn mower, I pulled the starter cord I suppose too hard and next thing I knew I was holding the part of the frayed cord in my hand. Yes, I know. That can happen to anyone. I know it has happened to many people, BUT, I’ve managed to do it T-H-R-E-E times in a very short amount of time!! And of course there were the vacuums, the fans and other electrical devises that I’ve ruined. And of course I cannot forget the time I broke the handle off our new refrigerator. Yes, I broke a refrigerator handle too. My partner taped it back together. There is nothing like seeing red duct tape on a black refrigerator as reminder of my talent. My mother in law had a good laugh about that one. After all how many of you can say you’ve accomplished that feat? Well for me, it was as easy as tripping over a cat and falling into the refrigerator handle causing it to pop (halfway) off. Embarrassed about it, I told my family I simply opened the door and it broke. They of course knew better. I never break things that easily and without some kind of outlandish story. I have been the cause of way too many household item’s untimely deaths that it is beyond words. Folks, I could NOT make this stuff up.

I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but sadly each time I’ve destroyed something, there is an amazing story that goes with it. For example, there was the time I caught the oven on fire…roughly about three or four times. One of those times I put a frozen hen into the oven. Yes, I know now you don’t do that but obviously, I was not aware of that fact when I did this. And so, as the hen thawed, the paper (that held the inners) caught on fire. Then, there was the time I tripped and spilled peroxide all over a rug. I thought if I used laundry detergent it would prevent the rug from staining. Well, I failed to read the label which clearly stated it had bleach in it. The bad part? I didn’t know it until after I had doused the rug with it.

Another time I was renting a room in an older couple’s home. I wanted to thank them for their kindness, so I decided to do a little something extra for them. For whatever reason at that time, I felt washing their kitchen floor would be the perfect way. While the wife was at the grocery store and the husband was at workout, I got to work. I was really proud of myself. I had not only scrubbed the floor but I had also made it shine. See, I had found this bottle in their cupboard. The label on it read,  “We make any kitchen floor shine.” I figured if it shined with one coat, if I added three coats, it would shine even better. Once I was done, I was amazed! I thought it looked awesome and I couldn’t wait to surprise especially the wife.  She came home not too much after I had finished. She entered through the front door with two large paper bags of grocery items. I stood off to the side watching her and waiting for her to be surprised. I just knew she’d be over the moon with emotion once she saw what I had done. Well, just as she reached the kitchen and stepped onto the linoleum floor, it was as if she was trying to walk on a sheet of ice. Her feet slid out from underneath her as her grocery bags went sailing into the air. By the time she landed on the floor (on her butt), so did her groceries. I was relieved when I saw the wife was alright, however, her carton of eggs and other delicate grocery items didn’t fare as well. I was so upset. How could such a kind gesture turn out so badly? Where did I go wrong?  WELL, any guesses what it was that I did? You got it. That bottle I saw in the cupboard that had promised to make the floor shine… it turned out to be floor wax! AND the label (which the wife point out to me) clearly stated, “Do not use in high traffic areas as it can be very slippery and can cause injury.”  Now, I must admit that was the worse one. Most of the time it was just the item I ruined. For instance once I used Carol’s meat thermometer as an ice pick. I honestly didn’t know that kept it from being used ever again for it’s original purpose.

Here’s the thing. I just don’t understand how I get myself into these messes. I mean well AND, as hard as I try, I seem to always manage to destroy something. It’s as if I find myself living in an episode of “I Love Lucy.”

OK, so, would you care to hear my latest episode? You’re sure to be entertained…I promise you. AND the best part is there won’t be any commercial interruptions.

SO, recently, we’ve had a lot of rain in our area. I noticed the neighbors were blowing the accumulated pine straw and leaves off of their roofs which got me thinking. Should we be doing the same thing? As new home owners, I don’t know anything. I often go by what others are doing, look it up on the internet and then follow suit if it’s necessary. And so, I looked it up. Many sites recommended and highly suggested removing any debris off your roof. If one doesn’t, it can cause the roof shingles to deteriorate quicker and possibly cause other damage to your roof. AND SO, of course I needed to get off the pine straw that had accumulated on our roof. However, knowing our ladder wasn’t tall enough to allow me to climb on the roof, I knew I’d have to create a different plan. My idea was to place the open ladder as close to the house as I could. Then, I could climb up. Knowing I wouldn’t be able to see the roof top well, my 12 year could help by standing back (to where he could see the roof) and tell me where to aim the blower. Oh, now, don’t worry. I didn’t fall off. This is me. I’d have to do something much more dramatic than simply falling off a ladder. BUT, what I failed to figure into the plan was the ability (or there lack of) of my 12 year old (who in the midst of puberty has a brain of mush). And so this plan did not work out. I needed to be able to see the roof myself.
Just as my 12 year old and I were figuring out plan B…I should say as I was figuring out Plan B because my son’s suggested was to quit… anyway, just as I was thinking my partner, Carol, came outside to see what havoc I was causing. OK, so I need to say this. After almost 20 years together, Carol was well aware that suggesting to me to stop what I was doing that it was NOT going to work. In fact, she knew that would only give me the motivation to do it myself which could possibly cause harm to me, our son, the house or to all of the above. And so, Carol had no choice but to make a suggestion. She recommended  I move the ladder to another spot (that was more sturdy and at a better angle) and while she held the ladder, I could try to go further up the ladder (than I had previously done) so I could see the roof. Now, once again, don’t worry. I didn’t fall off the ladder. By now you can see that would be way too easy for me.  Drama…it has to include more drama than simply falling.
I took Carol’s advice. As she held the ladder I climbed higher allowing me to see the to of the roof. I asked our 12 year old to hand me the blower and with a swooping right to left motion, I tried to blow off all of the pine straw. But, it wasn’t working because it was heavy from the rain. I wasn’t going to give up, though. My thought was if maybe I simply held the blower without moving it left to right, the continuous air would blow the debris away. And so, I aimed the blower and kept it steady. The problem with this was my arm got tired. I had not realized I rested the blower down onto the roof on a shingle until I heard a strange sound coming from the blower. When I looked I realized I had it sitting on the roof and by doing so it had caused the airflow to be blocked. I quickly picked it up and pulled it towards me to check it over. I had no idea what I was doing, but I thought since it was electrical, I should turn it off. Now, how this made since, I don’t know. Because after all, the extension cord was plugged into the blower and was still plugged into the socket on the side of the house. Whatever my rationale, that was what I did. As soon as I flipped the switch to off, something caught my eye inside the blower. Y’ALL! What caught my eye were small flames coming out from the plug area. What was I to do? I panicked and started yelling, “CAROL! CAROL!” I was certain I also yelled, “FIRE!” but she didn’t hear me. All she heard was me calling her name and to that she responded with yelling back, “WHAT? WHAT?”
For a split second I had the thought I could burn down our house. Well, like hell was I going to allow that from happening. We worked too hard to have this house. I had to figure out what to do and quick. As the flame got bigger, I got really scared and that was when I pulled out the industrial plug from the blower. I didn’t even think that I could have burned myself. I just wanted the fire to stop. Well with my luck that of course did NOT solve the problem. The fire was out on the blower but it had transferred to the electrical cord’s plug.  In my head I was yelling as loud as I could for Carol to unplug the cord from the socket on the side of the house BUT I could not get the words out. Of course I wanted to jump off the ladder but even I knew better than trying. It all was happening so fast, Carol still didn’t have a clue as to what was happening. AND our son who did realize it just stood watching.
As the flames began to increase inside the cord (that was attached to our house), something came over me and I threw it. Yes, I threw it. But not only did I throw it but I threw it in Carol’s direction. What the hell was I thinking?  I yelled to her, “WATCH OUT!” I was amazed by how fast she moved even though she had not a clue as to what was happening. Thank goodness the fire went out as the cord fell to the ground. And of course I was able by that point to tell Carol to pull it out of the socket that was against the house. Y’all, I cannot imagine our neighbor’s perspective. I’m sure it was very entertaining.
I am HAPPY to report no one was harmed in the making of this “I’ve done it again” episode. Unfortunately, our blower and our 50ft industrial cord (that I was so proud to have gotten at a yard sale for $5), have both crossed over into the “I’ve, killed another one” pile. May they a-l-l rest in peace.
To think there are people who get paid to come up with stories like these for TV. Gosh! They just need to follow me around because LAWD HELP ME, I am a living sitcom!
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Posted by on November 12, 2015 in Weekly photo challenge

 

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