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Category Archives: abusive fathers

abuse can happen in Jewish homes, living a lie, lying for the abuser, children of abuse, living as an abused person, understanding abuse, moving beyond abuse, recognizing abusive behavior

Trump Supporter’s accountability

Finger_pointingLets surmise Trump has a  condition known as diarrhea of the mouth…poor fellow. As a result of his condition sadly, he can’t see the difference between speaking your mind and hurting people.  if because of his horrible condition, how is it his supporters over look, make excuses for and totally ignore the negative comments he’s made? He has spoken negatively about blacks, women, Jews, muslims, gays and the handicapped.  Surly most (Trump) supporters has at LEAST one of those “kinds of people” in their family or a friend who they care about and love. Don’t you? Do you speak negatively to your own family and friends? Come on, you mean you don’t call each other fat, stupid, dumb and the men you know don’t make references about the size of their penis’ at the dinner table? Well, slap my ass and call me Sally, I hope the hell you don’t.  SO, then why is it OK for Trump to do it? How are using those words and insults part of “speaking one’s mind” and acceptable? If it is something you’d never say to your friends or family members because it’s hurtful then it is NEVER OK for anyone to say it to members of our country and world.

AND SO, TO YOU Trump supporters I point my finger at you…I point to you and ask where is your accountability in allowing him to speak to your friends and family as he has done and continues to do?

You know, my father used to speak his mind too. He sure did. He used to call me names when I didn’t agree with him. He said I was a loser. I was stupid. I was dumb AND I would never amount to anything. And those were just the tip of the iceberg (and not the Jewish kind either). It was common for him to call me a bitch and other derogatory names against women. Today, we would call that verbal abuse. We also know that speaking like that is counter productive and does nothing but alienate the very people who are being insulted. SO, I ask you again. Why is it OK for Trump to say those things?

This is not about Hilary Clinton. This isn’t about any other aspect of the 2016 election. I am writing this piece to address the verbally abusive statements Donald Trump has made. This is about a man named Donald Trump who has stood up before our nation and made fun of handicapped people, said ALL blacks are lazy and referenced other women in regards to their beauty (or there lack off). How do you as a supporter justify the negative and mean things he has said?  Would you tolerate your spouse, son or friend from saying it to you?  Gosh, I hope not. How do you justify the amount of hate that he has provoked in others during his campaign rallies? There are record numbers of hate groups like the KKK who are not only showing their support of Trump BUT they have also been acknowledged in a positive manner by Trump. This is NOT OK! During a campaign rally any criticism voiced from a member of a crowd (to Trump), he immediately attacks them by name calling.  Wasn’t that a kind of behavior we did in grade school? PEOPLE, where’s the logic here? Now, name calling is part of speaking one’s mind? Are you kidding me?  Why are you not appalled? You would be if it were your son or daughter speaking that way but the potential president of the United States is allowed?

Here’s the thing. We are the UNITED States of America. We are made up of many not just one. Our country is about justice for the many and not simply for the few. I believe in voting for a person who will stand up for each and every one of us AND NOT one who will put them down. If a man like Trump is willing to speak negatively against one group, how can you be so certain yours won’t be next? The manner in which Trump has behaved and the way his supporters have followed him saddens me beyond words. How can loving people overlook the hate he has publicly voiced? And how is it his supporters have not demanded he stop?  How do YOU allow him to speak to one of your family members, a friend, a co-worker and a neighbor as he has done? AND lastly, are you not giving him permission to speak as he does when you sit by idly and say nothing?

I have not heard one supporter of Trump I know denounce his hateful statements. All I’ve heard Trump supporters say is they like him because he’s speaking his mind, he’s honest AND Clinton is a crook. Let me tell you something people. My father also spoke his mind and it was damaging. It doesn’t matter if the hateful talk is coming from a parent or from a man running for presidency. The bottom line is it’s wrong. I’m SICK AND TIRED of the bigot and the abuser being protected. Don’t attempt to bull shit me and try to disguise his name calling as “simply speaking one’s mind”. OH HELL NO! IF Hilary Clinton were to say the hateful things as Trump has said, I (as a lifelong Democrat) would have no choice but to vote for the other candidate. I respect myself AND my fellow human being far more than to support someone willing to use any of my friends in that way.

I have to be honest here and say I am disappointed in my family and friends who support Trump.  I am disappointed in my Trump supporting friends for not demanding, screaming from the roof tops and being appalled at Trump. It makes me wonder. Do my friends and family members who support him really believe the abusive remarks he’s made? Do you not see it as abuse or hate (and if not I’m dumbfounded)?  Do you really not recognize what hate sounds like? How about replacing the person he’s speaking about and putting you in there? I guarantee if you do, you will better hear what I hear.

BUT, if you aren’t certain let me point these things out from statements he’s made: making fun of a handicapped person through hand gestures, saying ALL blacks are lazy, saying Mexico is sending us ALL of their criminals, referring to a woman as unattractive, ugly and a bitch and calling people fat and dumb. When you make a statement that says ALL in a group are this or that, that is called a bigoted remark. That’s like saying ALL white people have black hair.  It’s just simply not true.

Do you still say you applaud him for “speaking his mind?” Really?  After all, why do we need diplomacy from a president? Gosh, that’s not important, right? After all just think what Donald Trump could say when speaking to  Bashar Al-Assar? Gosh, I hope he tells him to go to hell and that he’s a stupid ass bastard. How about Trump speaking to other hate filled, wanting to bomb the hell out of others, world leaders? No need to worry about diplomacy or worrying about speaking his mind. After all those leaders won’t mind…oh, wait a minute… those are leaders who have had their own citizens murdered for far lessor “offenses”. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Trump has a condition known as diarrhea of the mouth…he has no filter no matter who he’s speaking to.  Let’s just insight the volatile. And then there are those of us who fit into those categories he has said bigoted things about, how about us? Just ignore it? Really?

It saddens me tremendously more than anything to have family and friends make excuses for his behavior instead of demanding better. How am I supposed to react? How do you think it makes me feel? You say you value me but you vote for a man who doesn’t. You say you accept my marriage but you vote for a man who doesn’t (and wants to take it away from me). You say you understand the need for Carol to adopt Judah but then you vote for a man who wants to keep us from doing so. And you tell me how unfair it is to be fired from a job simply because I’m gay and yet, yes, you vote for a man who believes it’s OK.

If my friends and family members do love us and support us for who we are then where the HELL is your outrage? Why in the HELL are you not screaming from the roof tops telling that man to stop? Does it not matter that much or is that important to you? Is it  because it really doesn’t effect you? Holy hell I hope more than anything it’s not because you actually agree with him in regards to his hateful comments.  You do know by remaining silent it only gives him the permission to continue AND by voting for him  makes YOU an accomplice? Again, you ask if this is this personal? Really? Hell yes! This is MY family! When friends and family members vote for a man who wants to hurt MY FAMILY it makes me sad and angry. I point my finger to you for your participation.

It blows my mind to have friends and family members who would never speak hatefully in their own homes, yet are voting for a man who has made name calling and making fun of people the norm in his campaign.  To have friends and family members who have seemed to have embraced me as a lesbian and a Jew BUT are voting for a man who has made blanket derogatory remarks against me.  I just don’t understand.

Listen, when I hear any person speaking negatively about another, I am standing up and speaking out. Sadly, I am often the only one and I don’t understand why.  It’s my duty, though, to treat my fellow humans with integrity AND stand with them in the time of need.  I’m especially outraged when the injustice is directed to a friend or family member because then it is personal.

Let me say this again. This is NOT ABOUT CLINTON! This isn’t about being a Republican or a Democrat. THIS IS ABOUT STANDING UP FOR YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, CO-WORKER and NEIGHBOR. THIS IS ABOUT SPEAKING OUT  against a man who in very plain English has said inexcusable things about the very people YOU claim you care about in your own lives.

AND SO here I wait and watch making YOU accountable…

 

 

Remembering Daddy’s many girlfriends

Well, if you ever had a chance to read my story about my abusive father then you know my father had a bad habit of over indulging…not with food but with women. Oh, no, he could never have just one (at a time). Typically, he’d juggle three and sometimes four at a time. However, I must admit, I think three was his limit. Beyond that number he couldn’t keep up. The worst part of having more than 3 was keeping your name straight. Listen, I was his daughter and it wasn’t unusual for me to call him on the phone and have him hesitate because his first thought was, “Oh, no, which women is this?” AND it wasn’t unusual for me to make a snide remark like, “Daddy, it’s your daughter, MaLea…no need to shit bricks…I’m not a girlfriend.” AND his response was often laughter. See, he thought it was cute…funny. He may have thought I was teasing him but I wasn’t. It made me mad. I was mad that he treated women that way. However, he saw my comments like that as teasing. He loved that kind of teasing because it boosted his confidence. If he had more than one women, then he felt important, legitimate and loved.

OK, so the point of this was not to bash my dad’s bad habits. I’ve voiced my opinion about him and the man he was in my other stories. Instead, I want to talk about the women he dated. Folks, it was an interesting bunch…as interesting as my dad was. How did this come about? Why would I want to write about them? Well, I thought about this when I was driving my kid to school this morning. On the way I passed the house of one of his ex-girlfriends. I’ll call her Fay. I lived with her for a short few weeks during the summer of 1989 before heading off to Israel for a year long program. Through the years I ran into her at coffee shops and grocery stores. Sometimes when I spoke to her she’d be nice and at other times she was not. She was a character but so were all of them. Listen, they had to be to date my father. F.S was older than Daddy and gosh, she has to be in her 90’s now. I saw her at the grocery store just a couple of weeks ago and she really looked good. No, I didn’t say hello to her because the last few times I talked to her she seemed mad at me for what Daddy had done to her. Grant you, they had a right to be angry but certainly not at me. So, I just watched her from afar and thought about the first time I met her.

Fay was not Daddy’s first girlfriend…nor was she his last. I believe he met her through the sister of another one of his girlfriends. Yep, that’s right. Any opportunity he had to add to his collection, he took it. Fay was spunky and always suspicious of Daddy. However, she seemed to really like that about him because she continued to date him. As Daddy did with all of his girlfriends he moved in with them. First, just during the weekends and then during the week. He moved fast and furious and the women were taken by him. Fay was no different in that way but her personality was. When she disagreed with Daddy, she told him. AND, she would tell him in a way that was not the Southern, sweet, gentile womanly way. Oh, no, Fay would stand up to Daddy. Of course when I met her I was suspicious. I was suspicious of all of Daddy’s girlfriends. After all most of them he dated before I was even 18 years old and not one of them showed me any interest in me. AND none of them ever questioned why daddy was spending time with them rather than with his daughter (who was underage). And so, many of them I had no respect for. Fay was no different. I liked her spunkiness though. She was the first one who really stood up to Daddy and I liked that. However at the same time she had a meanness about her. Underlying I often felt she was a lot like Daddy and I didn’t like it. She was not warm and caring. She in many ways was the male form of Daddy. Needless to say, Daddy’s relationship with her was a tumultuous one. In fact she eventually got her own children involved and they had to call the police to keep Daddy away.

Most of Daddy’s girlfriends were women of the generation where the men were the head of the household and they were to be their supporters. They could speak up but there was an educate in how that was done. For example another one of Daddy’s girlfriends lived on a farm in the country. I’ll call her Carmen. Her farm was her husbands (who died many years prior) The land had been in his family for many years. She loved it out there and so did Daddy. He loved it. There was a lake that Daddy loved to go fishing. He loved the rough and tough way of life and Carmen’s home provided that for Daddy. Now, Carmen was much different than Fay. Yes, they were both Southern women but that was the only thing similar. Carmen was the stereotypical upper crust, Southern woman. She catered to her man…after all it was the woman’s job to keep the house, make the meals and provide whatever else that was needed to the man. And she did that and did that well. In fact when I was 15 years old and Momma had just died a few months before, Carmen told me I was a disappointment because I was not caring for my dad as I should have been. She told me it was unfortunate that my mom had died but it was time I stepped up to the plate and did what I was supposed to do. Oh and what was that, folks? Carmen was mad with me for not cooking and cleaning for my dad. She felt since I was the woman of the household then that was my responsibility. I’m sure y’all can guess that she and I did NOT hit it off. Meanwhile, my mom would have been furious. My mom who was of the upper crust Southern society raised her girls to move beyond the expected mold of women. Most of all to never conform to societies pressure of what women were supposed to do. And so, Carmen’s advice to me did not bode well. We were like oil and water for sure.

Earlier on many of Daddy’s girlfriends were Southern, upper crust, traditional women. They were women who kowtowed to their men and placed them of pedestals. AND of course Daddy LOVED LOVED that kind of girlfriend. There was Anna who had two homes. One in the city and one on the beach. Daddy having grown up on the beach loved Anna’s beach house. He thought I’d be impressed with her because of it but he always failed to remember I hated the beach. Anna would invite Daddy out there and on occasion invite me too. I HATED it! It was so boring! Daddy and Anna would encourage me to go out to the beach while they disappeared together somewhere. I’d be alone for hours never knowing where they were. I could have done that at home. Of course Anna was another one of Daddy’s traditional girlfriends. One thing about Anna, though, was she made it clear she was never going to marry Daddy. See, her husband left her lots of money but only if she didn’t remarry. And so, she had no interest. Plus, she knew Daddy was not going to provide for her. That always made Daddy angry.

Around the age of 21 Daddy began expanding beyond just the Southern, upper crust girlfriend. I’m sure it was more because he ran out of those available. One women was a fashion designer. She was interesting. She was always picture perfect. Daddy loved her. She was from California and was someone of a free spirit BUT damn was she business minded. She was the first one of Daddy’s girlfriends to have been younger than him. The others had been older. Her name was Venus and she clearly didn’t need a man to be successful. Daddy saw her as a challenge, I’m sure. He just knew he could “tame” her. But, eventually, she left and moved back to the west coast. There was the German woman who I can’t even remember her name. She was overly friendly. I remember once sitting in her living room and next thing I knew she was massaging my feet. OK, that was weird! And this was the woman who openly took showers with my dad while I was visiting. Then, there was the post woman. Oh my gosh! She was infatuated with Daddy for some reason. By the time he was dating her I lived on my own. She would call me at 2 and 3am crying and asking me where was my father. Yea, I made it clear to her I was NOT Daddy’s keeper. The most ridiculous girlfriend was the one who was 30 years younger than Daddy. And not only was she 30 years younger but she also had a young child. Yea, that was insane and I knew that was never going to last. Daddy was not kid friendly and the woman was my sister’s age for G-d sake! Of course that was short lived.

Daddy’s last girlfriend was a very lovely Japanese woman. Sadly because of her age and culture she endured a lot of Daddy’s abusive behaviors. She wasn’t one to speak up or stand up to him. However, she was the only one of Daddy’s girlfriends to give me a wonderful gift. After Daddy died she contacted me so that I could finally have my childhood photos and items that were my moms. Things Daddy used to threaten me if I didn’t do as he wanted. And even though this girlfriend defended Daddy’s behavior and mourned his loss in spite of his treatment to her, she was the only one who thought of me. For that I am very grateful.

This morning just as I was finishing this, I looked up Fay on the internet. I was surprised to see she had died this week. As I read her obituary all I could do was smile and chuckle. The words that were written totally exemplified the woman she was. And so, I think it is apropos that I end with her. I did not include her name and took out certain specifics about her to be respectful to her family. May all those who dated my dad who are no longer with us rest in peace. AND if you happen to see him? Maybe this time stay clear and find someone else!

Sideman

 
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Posted by on April 21, 2014 in abusive fathers

 

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Weekly Photo Challenge- Happy

 
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Posted by on October 5, 2012 in abusive fathers, Weekly photo challenge

 

Weekly Photo Challenge- free spirit

 

 

 
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Posted by on September 3, 2012 in abusive fathers

 

Weekly photo challenge- Urban

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on August 25, 2012 in abusive fathers

 

The response to “Obama-care”

In 1981 when my mom got stage 4 breast cancer I remember going with her to the hospital for her to get chemo. I was 11 years old. Each time we went the receptionist made sure to tell my mom she owed money on her bill. I remember the receptionist being angry but most of all I will never forget how upset Momma was as the receptionist embarrassed her (as there was a full waiting room). My mom was the soul provider of my family. She worked 50 plus hours a week and yet never had enough money to have health insurance. All my mom wanted was to have the chance to live and to be there for her children. After her chemo treatments Momma would have to pull off the road to throw up at least twice before making it home. She told me they had medicines to help her but she couldn’t afford to pay for them. I cannot tell you how she suffered. She was NEVER wanting to steal or take anything from anyone. She was only fighting for her life. When her cancer returned in 1985 her doctor wanted her to do radiation and chemo. Because she had a preexisting condition (having already had cancer), no insurance would take her. When my mom died in 1986 after months of being in excruciating pain, she owed well over $200,000. While she could she paid $200 a month towards her bill but it never made a dent compared to the bills she was accruing. The amount she owed was huge in 1986 and I know there were and are many others like her. That’s a hell of a lot of money that we as taxpayers end up paying (EVEN BEFORE THE OBAMA-CARE).

I feel VERY strongly as an American to make sure each of us has health insurance because NO child should ever see their loved one suffer because they can’t afford the medical care. The billions of dollars of unpaid bills that already exists is a huge reason many of us are forced to pay more (and more than many of us can afford that’s for sure).

Obama’s healthcare plan will actually reduce the amount of unpaid bills which will ultimately reduce the amount we are ALL paying. If we are not helping our fellow Americans get healthcare whether we like it or not, the amount of unpaid bills will continue to increase which will affect us all anyway.

Bottom line for me is that everyone deserves quality healthcare. No one should have to suffer because they can’t afford the medicines nor should they have to choose death because they can’t afford the treatment. I feel strongly that my mom would be here today if she had had that opportunity of good healthcare. She would have been here to see me graduate high school, get my first A on my first term paper in college, celebrate many birthdays, walk me down the aisle and to have met her grandson.

Making sure all Americans have health insurance is a personal thing to me. Each and every life that exists is special. I would never play G-d and suggest that if one has no money then one deserves their fate of possible death. I will never succumb to the ideology that it is those with money who deserve to not suffer. Sometimes we are unlucky. My mother was unlucky but she deserved to be here today.

It’s amazing how so many religious groups throw around the saying, “Love they neighbor.” So folks, does that mean “Love they neighbor” only when you walk by them in the street or when you see them in the grocery store? How about when it means they neighbor has to choose feeding their family or taking care of a chronic health problem? Oh yeah in that case it’s every man for himself. I get it. I can love they neighbor but don’t have to help them. I often hear, “I can love my neighbor but it’s not my fault someone else can’t have the luxuries I have. So, why is it my concern?”

Well, I have one word for that kind of philosophy, people and that’s “BULLSHIT!” That is far from “loving they neighbor.”

There’s a Jewish quote that says, “When a man appears before the Throne of Judgment, the first question he will be asked is not ‘have you believed in God’ or ‘have you prayed and observed the ritual?’, but ‘have you dealt honorably with your fellow man?.”

I feel strongly that turning a blind eye to those who don’t have healthcare does not make me honorable by any means. Loving they neighbor isn’t easy. Sometimes it takes a little something from us. But, it’s the right thing to do and it’s what I call being a mensch.

 
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Posted by on July 7, 2012 in abusive fathers

 

Weekly Photo Challenge- Movement

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on July 6, 2012 in abusive fathers