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Category Archives: Same sex parents

Trump Supporter’s accountability

Finger_pointingLets surmise Trump has a  condition known as diarrhea of the mouth…poor fellow. As a result of his condition sadly, he can’t see the difference between speaking your mind and hurting people.  if because of his horrible condition, how is it his supporters over look, make excuses for and totally ignore the negative comments he’s made? He has spoken negatively about blacks, women, Jews, muslims, gays and the handicapped.  Surly most (Trump) supporters has at LEAST one of those “kinds of people” in their family or a friend who they care about and love. Don’t you? Do you speak negatively to your own family and friends? Come on, you mean you don’t call each other fat, stupid, dumb and the men you know don’t make references about the size of their penis’ at the dinner table? Well, slap my ass and call me Sally, I hope the hell you don’t.  SO, then why is it OK for Trump to do it? How are using those words and insults part of “speaking one’s mind” and acceptable? If it is something you’d never say to your friends or family members because it’s hurtful then it is NEVER OK for anyone to say it to members of our country and world.

AND SO, TO YOU Trump supporters I point my finger at you…I point to you and ask where is your accountability in allowing him to speak to your friends and family as he has done and continues to do?

You know, my father used to speak his mind too. He sure did. He used to call me names when I didn’t agree with him. He said I was a loser. I was stupid. I was dumb AND I would never amount to anything. And those were just the tip of the iceberg (and not the Jewish kind either). It was common for him to call me a bitch and other derogatory names against women. Today, we would call that verbal abuse. We also know that speaking like that is counter productive and does nothing but alienate the very people who are being insulted. SO, I ask you again. Why is it OK for Trump to say those things?

This is not about Hilary Clinton. This isn’t about any other aspect of the 2016 election. I am writing this piece to address the verbally abusive statements Donald Trump has made. This is about a man named Donald Trump who has stood up before our nation and made fun of handicapped people, said ALL blacks are lazy and referenced other women in regards to their beauty (or there lack off). How do you as a supporter justify the negative and mean things he has said?  Would you tolerate your spouse, son or friend from saying it to you?  Gosh, I hope not. How do you justify the amount of hate that he has provoked in others during his campaign rallies? There are record numbers of hate groups like the KKK who are not only showing their support of Trump BUT they have also been acknowledged in a positive manner by Trump. This is NOT OK! During a campaign rally any criticism voiced from a member of a crowd (to Trump), he immediately attacks them by name calling.  Wasn’t that a kind of behavior we did in grade school? PEOPLE, where’s the logic here? Now, name calling is part of speaking one’s mind? Are you kidding me?  Why are you not appalled? You would be if it were your son or daughter speaking that way but the potential president of the United States is allowed?

Here’s the thing. We are the UNITED States of America. We are made up of many not just one. Our country is about justice for the many and not simply for the few. I believe in voting for a person who will stand up for each and every one of us AND NOT one who will put them down. If a man like Trump is willing to speak negatively against one group, how can you be so certain yours won’t be next? The manner in which Trump has behaved and the way his supporters have followed him saddens me beyond words. How can loving people overlook the hate he has publicly voiced? And how is it his supporters have not demanded he stop?  How do YOU allow him to speak to one of your family members, a friend, a co-worker and a neighbor as he has done? AND lastly, are you not giving him permission to speak as he does when you sit by idly and say nothing?

I have not heard one supporter of Trump I know denounce his hateful statements. All I’ve heard Trump supporters say is they like him because he’s speaking his mind, he’s honest AND Clinton is a crook. Let me tell you something people. My father also spoke his mind and it was damaging. It doesn’t matter if the hateful talk is coming from a parent or from a man running for presidency. The bottom line is it’s wrong. I’m SICK AND TIRED of the bigot and the abuser being protected. Don’t attempt to bull shit me and try to disguise his name calling as “simply speaking one’s mind”. OH HELL NO! IF Hilary Clinton were to say the hateful things as Trump has said, I (as a lifelong Democrat) would have no choice but to vote for the other candidate. I respect myself AND my fellow human being far more than to support someone willing to use any of my friends in that way.

I have to be honest here and say I am disappointed in my family and friends who support Trump.  I am disappointed in my Trump supporting friends for not demanding, screaming from the roof tops and being appalled at Trump. It makes me wonder. Do my friends and family members who support him really believe the abusive remarks he’s made? Do you not see it as abuse or hate (and if not I’m dumbfounded)?  Do you really not recognize what hate sounds like? How about replacing the person he’s speaking about and putting you in there? I guarantee if you do, you will better hear what I hear.

BUT, if you aren’t certain let me point these things out from statements he’s made: making fun of a handicapped person through hand gestures, saying ALL blacks are lazy, saying Mexico is sending us ALL of their criminals, referring to a woman as unattractive, ugly and a bitch and calling people fat and dumb. When you make a statement that says ALL in a group are this or that, that is called a bigoted remark. That’s like saying ALL white people have black hair.  It’s just simply not true.

Do you still say you applaud him for “speaking his mind?” Really?  After all, why do we need diplomacy from a president? Gosh, that’s not important, right? After all just think what Donald Trump could say when speaking to  Bashar Al-Assar? Gosh, I hope he tells him to go to hell and that he’s a stupid ass bastard. How about Trump speaking to other hate filled, wanting to bomb the hell out of others, world leaders? No need to worry about diplomacy or worrying about speaking his mind. After all those leaders won’t mind…oh, wait a minute… those are leaders who have had their own citizens murdered for far lessor “offenses”. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Trump has a condition known as diarrhea of the mouth…he has no filter no matter who he’s speaking to.  Let’s just insight the volatile. And then there are those of us who fit into those categories he has said bigoted things about, how about us? Just ignore it? Really?

It saddens me tremendously more than anything to have family and friends make excuses for his behavior instead of demanding better. How am I supposed to react? How do you think it makes me feel? You say you value me but you vote for a man who doesn’t. You say you accept my marriage but you vote for a man who doesn’t (and wants to take it away from me). You say you understand the need for Carol to adopt Judah but then you vote for a man who wants to keep us from doing so. And you tell me how unfair it is to be fired from a job simply because I’m gay and yet, yes, you vote for a man who believes it’s OK.

If my friends and family members do love us and support us for who we are then where the HELL is your outrage? Why in the HELL are you not screaming from the roof tops telling that man to stop? Does it not matter that much or is that important to you? Is it  because it really doesn’t effect you? Holy hell I hope more than anything it’s not because you actually agree with him in regards to his hateful comments.  You do know by remaining silent it only gives him the permission to continue AND by voting for him  makes YOU an accomplice? Again, you ask if this is this personal? Really? Hell yes! This is MY family! When friends and family members vote for a man who wants to hurt MY FAMILY it makes me sad and angry. I point my finger to you for your participation.

It blows my mind to have friends and family members who would never speak hatefully in their own homes, yet are voting for a man who has made name calling and making fun of people the norm in his campaign.  To have friends and family members who have seemed to have embraced me as a lesbian and a Jew BUT are voting for a man who has made blanket derogatory remarks against me.  I just don’t understand.

Listen, when I hear any person speaking negatively about another, I am standing up and speaking out. Sadly, I am often the only one and I don’t understand why.  It’s my duty, though, to treat my fellow humans with integrity AND stand with them in the time of need.  I’m especially outraged when the injustice is directed to a friend or family member because then it is personal.

Let me say this again. This is NOT ABOUT CLINTON! This isn’t about being a Republican or a Democrat. THIS IS ABOUT STANDING UP FOR YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, CO-WORKER and NEIGHBOR. THIS IS ABOUT SPEAKING OUT  against a man who in very plain English has said inexcusable things about the very people YOU claim you care about in your own lives.

AND SO here I wait and watch making YOU accountable…

 

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What does our kid do on Father’s Day?

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Well, today is Father’s Day… a day we acknowledge and honor our fathers. It’s a day that both me and Carol have celebrated with our fathers since we were born. However, this year will be Carol’s second year without her father and well, as for me, even longer than that. It was just a given today would be a day we’d tell our dads thank you and that we loved them. And even if they were a bad dad like mine, we still seemed to have that obligation to recognize them. It’s funny how that worked. After all when I was a kid Dad’s had different roles in the family than they do now. At that time they weren’t expected to change diapers, do any cleaning and most of all they were not responsible for raising their own children. SO, as a kid this was my perception of my “dad”… He was a man who lived in our house. He often walked around in his boxer underwear and a t-shirt because, well, that’s what made him comfortable. He was very good at yelling at us kids and telling us everything we were doing wrong. Up until the age of 10 I was scared of him and hated to go anywhere with him. He never played games with us or volunteered to do things we kids liked to do. He was a menacing figure who I was supposed to love and respect, well, because, he was my father. And so, for the longest time I did. But as I became stronger and had a child of my own, I could no longer continue to be the brunt of his explosive behavior. I stopped all contact with him until his death in 2007. That’s not to say I don’t miss him…but to be frank, I always missed him. I wanted the dad next door…the one who was loving, caring and wanted to be with his children. Sadly, no matter how much I dreamed for that dad, mine was never to be capable of it. MaLea graduation

Carol’s relationship with her dad was much different. Now, as she is 9 years older than me, her father played even more of the traditional role in her family. He went to work and her mom stayed at home. However, her childhood photos tell a much different story than mine. She has wonderful photos of her dad taking her motorbiking and going on family trips. OK, well, I do know it wasn’t all peaches and cream. Her dad also had a temper and not a lot of patience. He liked to do what he wanted to do and if one of his children had the same interest then they were lucky to be able to share it with their dad. However, there was never a doubt the love Carol’s dad had for his children and wife. He made mistakes like we all do as parents BUT he did so all the while loving his family very much. I got to know him and grew to love him as my own father. That’s not to say we didn’t have our arguments…we both loved a good debate. And we had many. BUT, at the same time, we had some good laughs. Boy did I like his barrel laugh. The best was when we’d bring over our dachshund puppy. Edward loved that dog. He’d put him in his lap. Our puppy would lick his face and Edward would just laugh and laugh. Even to this day that memory makes me smile. It was devastating when Edward died a year in a half ago. It’s weird because since he passed, there does seem to be a piece missing in the family. No doubt he will always be missed.
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It’s interesting because just comparing my father to Carol’s father there are vast differences. We both had one but their roles in our lives were not the same. And even though I had one, I always wanted a different one. I wanted the one that lived next door. There was my friend, Anne, who had a father who was always smiling and caring. He even played tennis which I thought that was cool. It’s as we say, “The grass is always greener on the other side.” As a kid we seem to dream up how the “other” would be better. In my case, I’m thinking it probably would have been better BUT I was dealt this lot. This was what I was given. Bashert.

And now on to our son who as y’all know is being raised by two moms. It boggles some people’s mind he can be a normal kid without a father. After all, he needs a man in his life, right? Well, first of all people… we do NOT void our kid of men in his life. On the contrary…our kid has many wonderful men who spend time with him and love him. He has fabulous uncles, cousins, teachers, coaches and men friends who he calls uncle. Judah probably gets more attention from those men than Carol and I ever did from our own dads who lived with us. SO, sorry Charlie’s just because we are two women who love each other does not mean we are anti man. The other question I get asked is what does our son do on Father’s Day. Well, today he woke up late, made himself some coffee and is now watching basketball on the computer. To him Father’s Day is like Christmas and Easter…he doesn’t celebrate them but has many friends who do. AND, just like the Jewish kid who has never celebrated Christmas, it’s just not part of his world to miss any part of it. Let me give an example. Let’s say you were raised celebrating Christmas but converted to Judaism as an adult. You had wonderful memories of your childhood during that holiday. When you have children you long for your kids to have those same memories. You begin to feel bad that they can’t have them because of the choices you made. However, if you look at this example with a more neutral perspective you’ll see that you are only projecting what you long for or miss onto your kids. Because it’s something WE miss, we assume our kids are missing it too. BUT, how can our kids miss something they never experienced or had in their life? Listen, Carol and I often forget Judah’s normal is being raised by two moms. Our normal was being raised by a mom and dad. Two different experiences. And yet we still find ourselves projecting onto Judah which is very unfair. And yet it is bound to happen simply because of how we were each raised. And y’all know what? It’s OK.

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Listen, our kid has taught us a lot. Each day is a learning experience for us. Judah seems to know exactly how to settle our many worries. He has often pointed out that our concerns are steeped from experiences that are not relevant to his world. To him it’s like apples and oranges. Both are OK but both cannot be eaten in the same way.

I’ll never forget when Judah was 4 he came home from preschool and announced, “I want a dad.” Mine and Carol’s first instinct was to freak out. Here we are two woman raising a son AND how many people (including family) would tell us how he’s going to miss out. And now here we were being confronted by it from our kid. However, our panic subsided as we thought about his age. FOr goodness sake he’s 4…the very age they can ask where babies come from and when you go to tell them about the birds and bees they cut you off and say, “No, I mean what hospital.”

Listen, when Judah was four he was in the bathroom with Carol. He was on the counter looking in the mirror with his mouth wide open. After a few minutes he asked Carol,”Why do I have a scrotum in the back of my throat?” And so, we knew Judah’s question about wanting a dad was a bit more basic. We asked him why he felt he wanted a dad. He told us that Christopher’s dad would get on the floor and wrestle and he really liked that. Carol and I laughed. We pointed out his other friends and their dads…all of whom don’t get on the floor and wrestle. Judah looked at us. He smiled and said, “Oh, I know.” He pointed to Carol and added, “Mom, you always like to dress up with me to play pretend stuff. I DON’T know ANY of my friend’s MOMS or DADS who do that!”

And so, friends, family and strangers don’t worry about our kid. He’s just fine. He has two big Momma’s who love him with all their heart. If A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G feel bad for him on Mother’s Day…because on that day he has TWO gifts to give!

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gram, C,J

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Hugs to all who celebrate Father’s Day today!

 

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